My Hospital Intiative and being in Miss Earth Canada

Here is my Miss Earth specific blog The official site for Miss Earth Canada is

Check out the Borama Fistula Hospital, Amoud University Medical School and the nursing programme at Borama General Hospital @ : why I am started this!!!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Pageants- 12 Tips for survival including fashion tape

As pagents are coming up, as a former contestant I'd like to add my pageant survival tips. Last year at Miss Universe Canada I saw ladies who worked hard, top contendors knocked off points because of silly mistakes easily avoiable, so here is my list of basic stuff to avoid at pageants and what you need. At Miss Earth this also applies Like Fashion tape. I am not revealing my secrets, just helping with 101 issues so that everyone can have a level playing field. Remember, I am not telling you how to be a good skier, but how to avoid the trees. A great skiier doesn't dwell on trees 100% of time, but thinks of it 5% of the time not to ski into them and lose their place. So here is the list:

#1 you need lots of fashion tape. I have seen wardobe malfunctions cost young ladies points. Even for swimsuit: bring fashion tape or go home.

#2 If you have a dress that twirls, make sure its tight until thumb length back and front and then flares. If not you can us a crynoline or netted fabric in skin colour to hold the slit together. If it doesn't twirl, it should have fashion tape on both sides of the slit. Please, we do not want to lose the next Canadian future Miss Universe, Miss Earth or Miss World because her bum showed. Also, stick fashion tape to both edges of your bra for good luck. If you are doing a dance routine with a bikini, there is a chance the bussom may fall out, so please please please fashion tape.

#3 Fashion tape

#4 Your looks get you to the top 20, but brains and heart get you past that. We even saw super intelligent Miss Indonesia not make the cut at Miss Universe, Debra Henry who was brilliant. The organizers argued that so was Miss Phillipines, Shamcey Supsup who had all As, however its a beauty contest. Its about internal and external beauty. Not external beauty with no internal beauty, and not internal beauty with no external beauty. They are looking for a balance. That means for example, you need to know what looks good on and off stage.

Masacara off stage, false eyelashes on stage, and long big hair with hair extensions, and put on curlers +mouse for volume until your stylist finishes your look. Non-organic hair products are evil and have made my hair fall out. I stick to organic, best mousse is Giovanni, so go to an organic store and get it there. I prefer the Prairie Naturals line or Hydra. I use the Chinook one and my hair went from thin and dead to poofy, thicker, soft, happy and shiny.

Learning how to style your hair, what hair colour, make up, works best for you is a plus. See I am not revealing my secrets, but you figure out your own. Every winner has something that works for her.

#5 Please don't be that girl that loses the crown because she gives a silly answer. And the girls that look silly on stage often have a university diploma and a job but just got nervous and said something dumb. That is the sad part. There is this thing that should be a law that if you join the pageant, you must join this organization. It's called toastmasters. They have Table Topics - which is like pageant judges throwing questions at you. Please find a toastmasters near you and join to survive. and

What I also learned at toastmasters is how to speak. PRESS Method. You repeat question the speaker asks you to make sure you understood it and gives you time to think. RPEP I call it. Repeat question. Point. (make your point). Example or two example to sport your point. Repeat your point. RPEP. Repeat Question. Point. Example. Point.

How do you prepare for questions so that you don't look like an idiot on stage? I am not saying how to look smart, I am not revealing my secrets, just how not to look bad. You have to practice. How? You practice? Yes. Girls spend all the time practicing runway and no time practicing public speaking which is why we have embarassing videos of pageant girls like Miss Teen North Carolina. If she had just practiced a little and didn't understand the question, she wouldn't have answered like that. Its not that pageant girls are dumb, like the stereotype, as we are far more likely to have a university degree than the general population! How does a valedictorian go on stage and sound like that? No matter how smart you are or even if you are Einstien, if you haven't practiced public speaking, you'll get stage fright on stage and sound like someone stripped half of your IQ off you. Even if you are the valedictorian at Oxford, you can sound like a valley girl from Clueless on stage without practice.

How to practice? Very simple. There is a magic website. Go to Click on news. Read that. Women, you have university degrees, you are at the top of your class, so this should be easy. Canadian articles are written at 8th grade level, American at 5th grade level. If English is not your first nor second language, I do recommend to try reading an American article before copying the link of the article, pasting it on google translate and clicking it.

The other questions you'll be asked is about women, have they advanced, etc. The answer is women own less than 1% of the world's resources but perform 70% of the world's labour so now. For some reason many pageant contestants think there is gender equality. For that there is a magic website. Women's earnings to men's. In Canada its women earn 70% of what men earn. Women in parliament? 22% in Canada, 16% in the US. About 2% of Fortune 500 CEOs are women. Read about "pink jobs" . We have advanced, and there is room for growth, and you will hope to change the world and make it a better place by .....(your contribution). The best book on gender for pageants is Unveiling the Breath by Donna Kennedy-Glans that talks about gender issues around the world. "Legal Rights Doesn't Guarntee Gender Equality" by the same author is a great read. She won the Conservative nomination for Calgary-Varsity to run for parliament, but is writes what anyone across the political spectrum can appreciate.

If you are in Miss Earth read up on the evils of Monsanto. via google. Go to twitter search and type #environment. On google news type environment. Judges are not looking for Miss Current Affairs. They just want to see if you sound intelligent. When reading an article, at the end, formulate any opinion on it, and begin the press system. RPEP. Write the mini speech on a piece of paper. Look at the mirror and do it. Be passionate about it. I won't give more tips but this is just basic. Canadian pageant girls I met are all very intelligent. However, outside pageants I saw many intelligent people sound not bright at all by going on camera un-rehersed. Your speech shouldn't be over-prepared, you just have to stop being a camera/stage virgin and get comfortable. Its a matter of getting the hang of being yourself on stage. That is also why you wear false eyelashes, wear warm tones -- so people see you from a distance the way you are if you were next to them. That is also why you don't wear stage make up to an interview.

Finally and importantly, the platform. Why are you in this pageant? What good are you going to give society. Prancing around in a pretty dress is pretty vain if you ask me or most Canadians (including some who will be your judges), unless you have a cause. It doesn't matter what your cause is, along as its a good cause, will help society and that you are sincere about it. For example 80% of Canadians donate to charity but only 50% recycle. A cause is to to get your neighbors to recycle, and see if they can get 4 people to recycle and go on twitter, and show pictures and brag about it. Monitor each other once each week. Keep doing this for several weeks, go on twitter and get some enthusiasm for it. Use #cdnpoli as a hashtag as its the most popular Canadian politics hastag or #environment. If you got 4 people to recycle as a result of you being in the pageant, that is incredible! You got people to donate to the food bank or a women's shelter! Awesome. Got kids to stop bullying? Volunteered to help your community and made a difference? Awesome!

Read everything you need to know about your platform and make speeches about it. Remember press method. make them infront of your friends, neighbors, cat dog, boyfriend, etc. until they run away. You need to practice a 1 minute elevator speech about your platform and a 3 minute one. Everything you read will come in handy. Have it written down before the pageant and take it with you. Practice once before the judging. Remember you won't recite it like it is but with the RPEP method and practice you will sound cogent and not like Miss Teen North Carolina. Why practice? Your friend should be an "uh um + and counter" Pause instead of saying filler words. They do not look bright. (See Miss Teen Carolina). If you do not know an answer, revert back to marketing your platform so you relate your platform to the question. "What do you think of the US invading Iran" (your plaform is for example is reducing oil spills) "Thank you for the excellent question. I am more an authority on the environmental impact on oil spills. I think as an invasion would use bombs and weapons, that this certainly would have an negative impact on the envirnoment, and Iran being in an oil producing region, this could increase oil spills, so the negative environmental impact should be considered before going to war." (In this example, the girl doesn't even know where Iran is but it sound smart, right. She might not be bright, but read up and studied her platform. The key is not know everything but sound presentable)

#6 Remember looks: LOOKING HEALTHY IS WHAT PAGEANTS ARE ALL ABOUT. Miss USA was expected to possibly win Miss Universe. Then she went on this salad diet which would make her desirable to the fashion industry in New York but really, in a bikini it made her look thin and unhealthy compared to the other girls even if she was thin and healthy. Yes she made top twenty but didn't make top 5. Health is beauty in most cultures around the globe. Pageant judges are not an expection to this rule. You have to have a healthy look. That is why actual Silicon breast implants don't look attractive as we are immediately reminded of their correlation with cancer. I have nothing against plastic surgery, but seriously unlike fat injections into the breast, silicon implants do pose a high cancer risk, thus look unhealthy and unattractive. But push up bras are sexy and extremely healthy because you don't insert anything into your body. Hence, this is what should be used instead to enhance the bust: However, remember if you have ribs showing, adding a bust will not look real whether its implants or padding. Eat, look healthy.

#7 Look healthy. Very important is to excercise using weights. We all have either a little bit of a belly or a little pocket of fat somewhere, even at size 0 that shows if you are in a bikini and don't excercise. It might be the entire unexcercised body. You could be size 10 and excercise like Marylin Monroe and look much better than a size 0-2 girl who neglects her body. Do 50 crunchs, 25 to each size, every other day. Use weights on the arms, and alternate. Excercise the bum by carrying weights while going up and down stairs. Half an hour of excercise every other day will keep the judge at bay. If you can do one hour of runway practice, one hour of excercise.

#8 Runway practice is key. Dayana Mendoza might not have the perfect features of Natali Glebova (both Miss Universe winners). However, Dayana tore the stage on fire when she walked so that nobody could remember anyone else for years. If you are of shorter height or have something you are concerned about, a killer walk does compensate. But when you smile think of something that makes you happy from the heart. Fake smiles are very annoying and a turn off. Aren't you happy to be on stage? Isn't this exciting! Let your happiness shine through.

#9 So they look for the whole package, beautiful, smart, presentable on runway, and has a golden heart. You should sincerely want to help others (hence your platform) and be a good person. 99% of pageant girls are, but there is always this one girl, one girl who thinks she can walk over her competition. I saw them go far, but never saw a single one of them win. Judges ask around. They want a decent person. At the end of the day, when the pageant is over, even if you win, the only things you take out of it are how your charitable work helped, how you grew as a person and mainly the network of friends you have developed. Most girls say the most important was the network of friends they developed from the pageants. Imagine, everyone but that 1 girl all walk away from the pageant with a great network of people. In life and in work, networking gets you ahead.

10# Shoes. Very important. Get on them. Please wear shoes with straps or your feet will hurt. A skin colour shoe works best with swimsuit as it makes you look taller, but it could be a sparkly nude. Straps are key. Also, floors can be slippery, so instead of falling on stage, please use this.
You should not go to a pageant without this: Also, do wear heels, stilettos preferred. To look tall, having a base at the bottom reduces the difference of the hieght so its less painful. Practice walking before you go on stage. Use a round tip instead of a sharp tip for maximum endurance.

11# Please bring a camera and take as many pictures as possible. You'll regret if you don't and will treasure for the rest of your life. Bring a second one as back up or a phone camera. I lost mine at a pageant then found on the last day. So sad. Take as many pictures as humanly possible but still enjoy yourself. Be happy. Love it. Enjoy. Second, add all the girls on facebook, linked-in, and you'll have a new network of fabulous friends for life. They are some of the brightest, sweetest, most inspiring, most amazing and most awesome people you'll ever meet that will inspire you for years to come.

12# be helpful and be nice, sure a kind reputation gives you bonus points, but you develop a whole network after the pageant that is more than worth it. Stay humble, stay kind, stay authentic, stay true, stay smart, stay you. That will maxmize the awesome people on your network and friendships that will inspire you for a life time!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Jack Layton's and Abdulaziz Abdulghani's deaths

As Libya sees a new dawn, our joy is mixed with sadness, two tears mixed with melancholy and bliss.

The very kind Abdulaziz Abdulghani died of his wounds in Yemen as he was next to the president when the bomb hit. Jack Layton, leader of the NDP party in Canada, also a kind man died of cancer within the same hour.

A columnist wrote a disgusting disrespectful inappropriate column on Jack Layton whose body has yet to be buried. Seriously, is she too childish to have the patience to wait a week until the body is in the ground to speak ill of the dead?
In my fury and grief, though I do not belong to this party, I respect this man, so I must write something. It was too thoroughly tasteless and too premature - so I wondered would the words be just as tasteless if written about another life prematurely ended due to poor health and too full of life and too young to die? It was so tacky that no plastic pink flamingo would want to be seen within 10 feet of that article this week.

My parody of Christie Blatchford's throughly tasteless article: (for the real one click here

-- Amy Winehouse died today. How fitting that her death should have been turned into such a thoroughly public spectacle, where from early morn Monday, television anchors donned their most funereal faces, producers dug out the heavy organ music, reporters who would never dream of addressing any other politician by first name only were proudly calling her “Amy” and even serious journalists like Alan Solomon of the BBC repeatedly spoke of the difficulty “as we all try to cope” with the news of Ms. Winehouse’s death.

By mid-day, after Prime Minister David Cameron had offered a few warm words about Ms. Winehouse’s death and rued that their oft-talked-about jam session had never happened, Mr. Solomon even expressed sniping surprise that “Amy Winehouse wasn’t the sole focus” of the Prime Minister’s remarks.

Mr. Cameron, who clearly had not spent the day watching the national broadcaster and thus was unaware that the jazz singer’s death was the only story of note, had gone on to mention the families of the 12 people (including six-year-old Cheyenne Eckalook; now there’s someone who died far too young) who perished in the Arctic plane crash on Saturday and the tumultuous events in Libya.

The PM in fact was one of a very few voices of reason to be found on the airwaves — he remembered Ms. Winehouse kindly and with evident regard, but he had perspective and did not fawn.

And what to make of that astonishing letter, widely hailed as Ms. Winehouse magnificent from-the-grave cri de coeur?

It was extraordinary, though it is not Mr. Solomon’s repeated use of that word that makes it so.

Rather, it’s remarkable because it shows what a canny, relentless, thoroughly ambitious fellow Ms. Winehouse was. Even on Saturday, two days befores he died, she managed to keep a gimlet eye on all the album releases to come.


In contrast, a man who left us too soon leaves us with his last and very beautiful words:

"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world. -All my very best, Jack Layton." May he rest in peace.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

I am Adam with Two Edens Lost to me

“I’m the Adam of two Edens lost to me twice
expel me slowly, kill me slowly

with Garcia Lorca
under my olive tree.” - Mahmoud Darwish

My feet are torn,

And homelessness has worn me out.

Park seats have left their marks

on my ribs.

Policemen have followed me

With their suspicious looks.

I drag myself from place to place,

Destitute except for

Day-long memories of a home

That yesterday, only yesterday,

Was mine,

And except for evening dreams

Of my dwelling there again. - Iraqi poet Badr Sahakir Sayyab

" In The Summer

by Nizar Qabbani

In the summer
I stretch out on the shore
And think of you
Had I told the sea
What I felt for you,
It would have left its shores,
Its shells,
Its fish,
And followed me.

Translated by B. Frangieh And C. Brown

Mahmoud Darwish -
” So we are who we are, as the Mississippi flows,
and what remains from yesterday is still ours –
but the color of the sky has changed.
oh white master,
lord of the horses,
what do you want from those making their way
to the night woods?”
“Tamer of horses, teach your horse
to ask forgiveness of nature’s soul
for the way you’ve treated our trees”

Oil sands excluded from UN report gets no mention?

By: Mike De Souza, Postmedia News

The federal government has acknowledged that it deliberately excluded data indicating a 20 per cent increase in annual pollution from Canada’s oilsands industry in 2009 from a recent 567-page report on climate change that it was required to submit to the United Nations.

The numbers, uncovered by Postmedia News, were left out of the report, a national inventory on Canada’s greenhouse gas pollution.

It revealed a six per cent drop in annual emissions for the entire economy from 2008 to 2009, but does not directly show the extent of pollution from the oilsands production, which is greater than the greenhouse gas emissions of all the cars driven on Canadian roads.

The data also indicated that emissions per barrel of oil produced by the sector is increasing, despite claims made by the industry in an advertising campaign.

----other articles

Great article. Former Minister Jim Prentice supports Cap and Trade System in Alberta

He is known as a very ethical man. Also from an Alberta ethics specialist, Donna Kennedy Glans -

Btw- Ezra Levant is a former tobacco lobbyist. I take what he says with a grain of salt.

She is a Conservative candidate, not Liberal, not NDP. So this is posts from a reasonable conservative who supports their agenda in many areas, but thinks critically like all intellectuals. Liberal and NDP oriented intellectuals also critique their party in the benefit of tweaking it.
From her blog: Wind Farms Kill Whales and


And this is crucial - we are emitting more green house gases per capita than many countries - we rank 8th in the world on some indexes.

Rankin 2000 with Rank in 2000 w/out Rank in 2005 w/out Country
land-use change↓ land-use change↓ land-use change
12 9 8 Canada
Year 2000 Tonnes of CO2e Year 2000 Tonnes of CO2e Year 2005 Tonnes of CO2e
with land-use change without land use change with land use change 24.3 22.2 22.6

Internationally, Qatar is often #1. According to this Saudi Arabia has a better emmisions record than Canada Ezra Levant, former tobacco lobbyist writes about ethical oil. I think looking at this chart puts a few questions in that argument. NEWSFLASH -Saudi Arabia is more eco-friendly than Canada. When that happens, you know there is work that needs to be done here.

So here is another article she recommends oil sands expected to outdo carbon cuts


Recommended Reads

I saw this, this is awesome!

And sad. But Awesome. A report on how jobs are mainly created in alternative energy, how China is big on that, how most jobs are created there and we are simply not investing.

If government fails, it's a government failure, so the economist in me turns to the markets. I think corporations who believe in the eco-friendly like Telus and Scotia Bank should band together and have a prize for development and promotion of excellent Canadian projects like tidal wave conservation off of New Foundland and Nova Scotia and Canadian innovation. If you have a good small company, good competitive invention - what would it cost telus to send them off to an international trade show. Every large corporation has a charity budget. Scotia Bank could even profit from their stocks if they promote these ethical efficient entities. It's win win win. Make money, create jobs and clean the environment.

Former Liberal MP Omar Alghabra posted this on his facebook. Very fascinating article. "wow. They care more about using their logo than the dangers of asbestos" -Omar Alghabra . Part of the problem is finding jobs for asbestos producers. Banning abestos and causing mass unemployment in Quebec is not a win-win solution. This is where a public-private partnership comes in. The green economy is hot, Brazil, China, emerging powers investing it it like crazy, a German firm also recently created jobs in Southern Ontario. I propose supporting a green-tech firm like building solar panels and photovoltaic technology and retrain workers. Then close. A win-win!

Also, on other news, I saw eco-friendly house cleaning products. I tried them. They work. Medium efficiency, average but they leave no smell. I can breath and clean! Yay! Next off, tackle the oven!!! I don't know if its greenwashing if they are bad for the run off or not, but I do now enjoy cleaning the apartment without chocking at the smell of toxic chemicals. More later. My goal in the future is to try out different affordable green products, find their origin and find 1) are they are really green 2) are they good for you 3) do they work and post on the blog.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Miss Earth competition next week!

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Hi I am back, and preparing for the Miss Earth pageant. I am studying up on UN reports, staying away from red meat farther (it contributes to green house gases), taking the bus and recycling more. However, I do hope that I get attention that recycling is not enough. For change to happen across Canada, we need to change our voting system from first past the post to something fairer that reflects the population so that environmentally conscious voices are not crushed.

Soon we may have 300-700 jobs gone forever from Environment Canada due to job cuts instead of raising corporate taxes to levels similar in the rest to the G8 which are needed to sustain developed economies. Is lower taxes making Canada more competitive.

No, with our foreign policy we wouldn't even be competitive with Dubai's zero per cent taxes. We have the highest visa rates for U.A.E and Turkey. To create a conference for Canadian energy companies as it included Russian partners, the conference was held in Europe due to fact they feared that the Canadian government wouldn't give participants visas. Even Russian ministers, businessmen do not receive visas. My Yemeni cousin living in Sweden for many years while running a company and finishing a doctorate tried to get a visa for a trade show in Toronto for weeks, major problem. He got his passport back and in three days received the visa to the U.S. which has extremely high security standards. We have to get real, and get a business-friendly foreign policy. Of course we should still have principles, but getting our point across more diplomatically and tactfully will prevent business unfriendly rifts.

Due sinking in capital, changing our corporate tax rates by a couple per cent won't change anything but by slashing 300-700 jobs from Environment Canada, you'll overwork the existing staff. As a result of an over-worked staff, environmental regulation will slip. U.S. Vice President Cheney's corporation, Haliburton, was responsible for the part of the oil rig that failed in BP's Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill disaster, which to the best of my knowledge was deregulated. It showed that self-policing doesn't help.

If this is not your priority - well, only around 22% of Canada's population voted for it's "majority government. 40% can vote for but the 60% against have no voice. Also, coalitions exist in England and most stable governments. This must be de-stigmatized and seen as a norm. If the environment is not seen as a priority for one ruling party, if coalition was required to govern, it would see it as important. The current system we have has the highest distortion, as documented by the Gregory Scale, and on that scale where each individual vote counts the least in our system. If there was a coalition government, the slash and burn cuts to environment Canada would never happen. If the staff are over worked, they can be lax, not as vigilant and let disaster occur unintentionally.

Recycling, composting, taking the bus are all important, but if we change our political system were 60% or more of the votes count, we can have government being proactive. Meanwhile corporations such as Telus and Scotia Bank are supporting environmental causes. There are many environmentally friendly cleaners in the grocery and that is what my family buys now. They sell like hot cakes.

What can we do aside from joining Fair Vote Canada? ... and I'll stop sounding like a Green Party politicians. for a moment. :-) What can you do if you think big but work to implement your vision in small practical steps? Aside from recycling, using the bus, not eating red meat?

Its important to connect the environment and business to create something lasting. Blue-Green Canada's 2011 report states

"Canadians have missed out on approximately 66,000 jobs because the federal government has failed to match the U.S. in renewable energy investments." Their report states that the EU will create 2.8 million jobs from environmentally friendly energy. While green jobs have shown growth, traditional manufacturing jobs such as the automotive industry have slowed, or even decreased. The economy is changing and unlike the US, China ant the EU, we are not investing where the economy is headed.

If government doesn't step in, what can one do? Replace it. You can bring your own community together to fix local and sometimes even global environmental problems. For more details, you'll hear me at the pageant, where I unveil my platform.

I my home city of Taiz, youth are planting trees and picking up trash after everyone as a form of protest against the anarchy and to create hope, while seizing the moment and not waiting for government to change the environment. The future starts now and is in your hands, so let's not wait for others and start making the world a better place today! Start recycling, join fair vote Canada or do an ambitious project with local businesses and get them to be coordinated on Green issues or more eco-friendly.

Miss Earth competition coming up

I finished a lovely shoot on the memories of a refugee with Richard Brecker. Beautiful art. Here is a one of the stills, where i am reading the poetry of Nizar Qabbani. On the side, in the corner is a book from his contemporary, Neruda.

"When you grow up, my son,
and read the diwan of Arabic poetry
you'll discover that the word and the tear are twins
and the Arabic poem
is no more than a tear wept by writing fingers."

Syrian Poet, Nizar Qabbani ironically wrote this verse:

A Lesson In Drawing

My son places his paint box in front of me
and asks me to draw a bird for him.
Into the color gray I dip the brush
and draw a square with locks and bars.
Astonishment fills his eyes:
"... But this is a prision, Father,
Don't you know, how to draw a bird?"
And I tell him: "Son, forgive me.
I've forgotten the shapes of birds."

My son puts the drawing book in front of me
and asks me to draw a wheatstalk.
I hold the pen
and draw a gun.
My son mocks my ignorance,
"Don't you know, Father, the difference between a
wheatstalk and a gun?"
I tell him, "Son,
once I used to know the shapes of wheatstalks
the shape of the loaf
the shape of the rose
But in this hardened time
the trees of the forest have joined
the militia men
and the rose wears dull fatigues
In this time of armed wheatstalks
armed birds
armed culture
and armed religion
you can't buy a loaf
without finding a gun inside
you can't pluck a rose in the field
without its raising its thorns in your face
you can't buy a book
that doesn't explode between your fingers."

My son sits at the edge of my bed
and asks me to recite a poem,
A tear falls from my eyes onto the pillow.
My son licks it up, astonished, saying:
"But this is a tear, father, not a poem!"
And I tell him:
"When you grow up, my son,
and read the diwan of Arabic poetry
you'll discover that the word and the tear are twins
and the Arabic poem
is no more than a tear wept by writing fingers."

My son lays down his pens, his crayon box in
front of me
and asks me to draw a homeland for him.
The brush trembles in my hands
and I sink, weeping.